Day 1 Tuesday 11th September
An inauspicious start on arrival in Bangkok as having caught Harley’s chunder in
a makeshift plastic bag it floods over my lap during final descent. Our luck had
been bad since the traffic jam on the final approach to Heathrow Terminal 3 when
we should actually have been heading for Terminal 4. I had then decided to be
healthy for my last meal in the UK and plumped for the crayfish salad that must
have been feeling homesick as it spent the whole flight escaping out of both
orifices in a vain attempt at repatriation. At customs we thought our luck had
changed as after a fretful few minutes of visaless angst we found out we didn’t
need one.
Then we not only picked up our luggage in record time but were also showered
with gifts of delicious local rambutan and longkong fruits. Sadly the Gods were
only smiling on us briefly as we soon hit Bangkok rush hour. Not only did it
take a good hour to reach our hotel but we got there to find that our room had
been burned down in a recent fire. Happily the replacement hotel was only 3km
away – unhappily the roads were now grid locked and it took 2 hours to reach
what we thought was the Sheraton Palace but ended up as the Trinity Silom.
Day 2 Wednesday 12th September
In spite of jetlag and the after effects of Nytol the troops were roused @ 9 am
and heartened to find chocolate cornflakes and bacon @ breakfast. We attempted
various modes of transport starting with a taxi to Wat Traimit (Temple of the
Golden Buddha that I affectionately renamed the Peanut Smuggler). Then we took a
Tuk Tuk (immediately Harley’s favourite way to travel) to the Golden Mount. This
is an impressive manmade 80m hill but feels like a mountain by about halfway.
Impressively Ruby and Harley made it up all 372 steps ringing giant bells as
they went along and were rewarded with an excellent bird’s eye view of Bangkok
from the summit.Next we went by boat down the Chao Phraya past Wat Arun (former
Grand Palace) to the Tak Sin bridge. Here we boarded the wonderfully cool
Skytrain back to the hotel.
Day 3 Thursday 13th September
A dreadful night of heinous chundering firstly from Ruby (8 times) then Karen
caught the dreaded lurgy too. The only fringe benefit was that the manager took
pity on our sick family and I got an upgrade to an executive suite in spite of
the hotel being ‘full’. Harley was still full of beans (especially after eating
most of mine for lunch after I had sucked off the spicy sauce) and he happily
wowed his constant crowd of clucking admirers whilst I sorted out visas and
flights to Laos and the girls slept off their sickness. Harley and I enjoyed a
refreshing swim in the 9th story pool where he won his first armband assisted
25m race followed by ‘tuk tuk’ rides on Daddy’s front and back. We then had to
rouse the sick from their beds for a visa photoshoot where Harley stole the show
with his big blue eyes and cheeky grin; I looked not bad for me; Karen looked
so-so and poor Ruby looked totally miserable. I hate to admit we then went to
Starbucks (ostensibly for the free wi-fi but the raspberry frappacino was good
too) and then back for an ‘early night’. Sadly the kids hadn’t read the script.
Harley was bouncier than Tigger and even Ruby had perked up on Calpol so neither
slept until close to midnight. Mum and Dad didn’t sleep ‘til 3am having failed
miserably to find a hotel room in Laos. Fully booked in Vientiane – I DON’T
BELIEVE IT…….
Day 4 Friday 14th September
A good start to the day as I get hold of a suite in Vientiane for £25 in the
best hotel in town…….in the 60’s. Ruby was sick again in the night so I stay in
with her while Karen + Harley go out for medicine and food. After a swim (Harley
learns to lie afloat on his back) we head to the Patpong Night marketwhere Ruby
and Harley buy a croaking frog each (my request for Thai boxing gloves for the
kids is wisely refused) and Karen gets a fake ‘large as a blokes’ Cartier (not
bad for £30 though). It’s now 8pm and Rugby World Cup fever is setting in.
Happily this is 8pm so still 6 hours of drinking time before the match starts @
2am local time. Karen kindly takes the kids back to the hotel while I stride
gleefully down Patpong for a few drinks. In the first bar despite the bouncer
telling me it’s fine for just a drink I get pounced on by 5 women inside a
minute (I’m not even wearing Lynx) and leave beerless (mind you what do you
expect from a bar with ‘pussy’ in the name). Next stop is Noriega’s where I not
only get a beer but also a free ‘gig’ – I am though an audience of 1 and soon
leave for the King’s Castle where I learn that most of the ‘chicks’ have things
that rhyme with bricks. Ridden with guilt from finding most of these ‘blokes’
attractive I beat a hasty retreat to a quieter bar where they are showing
re-runs of earlier RWC matches – perfect warm up. After 3 or 4 here + another
couple round the corner where I lose to the barmaid at connect 4 but manage to
salvage a 1:1 draw against the resident Thai pool shark (OK so he did go in off
the black). I then go on an exhilarating motorbike ride across town to the Wall
Street bar with a couple of expats. They are showing the rugby but we get
absolutely hammered by the Boks as do I by another 3 or 4 beers + I stagger back
into the hotel @ 4.30am to a lovingly sleepless pie…..
Day 5 Saturday 15th September
Talking of ‘Hot Thai Girl’ strangely that means thank you in Laos where we are
heading today.(Having said this to most of the staff in our new hotel it later
transpires that thank you is actually ‘kop chai der’). I cunningly sleep through
the packing and amazingly avoid a hangover through judicious use of Barocca @
5am and the fact that the kids are fantastic all day in spite of extensive
travelling/heat. We get a taxi to Don Muang airport where Harley and Ruby are
impressed at the airport by the amazing origami making stranger (boats,planes
and birds) and fly Nokair to Udon Thani. Our babyoil is confiscated @ customs
(over 100ml + same rules as UK) which is annoying as it apparently traps
mosquitos before they bite and Laos is a Malarial/Dengue Fever area. After a 1hr
flight we take the VIP minibus over the Friendship Bridge into Laos and its
capital Vientiane. We are greeted at the Lane Xang hotel by a deliciously
refreshing watermelon juice and a hoard of staff enchanted by the children
(especially Harley). The place has a dilapidated charm and we like it as do the
kids.
Day 6 Sunday 16th September
After a revitalizing breakfast (especially the coffee which makes the Turks seem
like quiche eaters) we retire to the tile challenged pool.Burgers are good but gamey
(buffalo I think)and Karen enjoys the pleasures of Lao massage (too much leg action
and not enough chest apparently). We finally enforce some homework onto Ruby which is slow and error strewn after the long holidays so I will definitely enforce the 1hr per day.
We visit the Patuxai (Victory Monument) which is Laos's answer to the Arc de Triomphe and is impressive from afar at least (really just a big block of concrete up close) and it's back to the hotel to read up on some Laos history (I never knew that Laos was carpet bombed by the US in the so-called secret war). Anyway I secure my own hard fought Connect 4 victory 2:1.
Day 7 Monday 17th September
Off to the morning market for a mooch. Ruby buys a silver elephant - Harley wants one too but is too naughty and has to sit on the naughty step (some poor stallholders stool) while the locals look on amusedly.Back to the hotel pool
and I go for the Traditional Lao massage (hot stones wrapped in cloths pressed onto strategic parts of the body by a hot chick wrapped in clothes).In the evening we go to allegedly the best restaurant in Laos the Na Dao. Ruby,Harley and I devour copious quantities of lamb and beef lovingly prepared by a Parisian chef while Karen mostly devours Chilean Sauvignon Blanc. A blissfully short stop at the hotel disco ensues where it's all Waltzing and Lao style Macarena.
Apparently the ballroom dancing ban in Laos has only just been revoked.
Day 8 Tuesday 18th September
Last day in Vientiane so it's chore time. Laundry first then to the post office to forward 6kgs on to Australia. This combined with throwing out another 6kgs gets us below 60kg necessary for most Indochinese flights (besides which it's easier to lug around).We spend the rest of the day lounging in the Settha Palace pool where harley makes giant strides with his swimming due to forgetting his armbands. He also learns to jump off rocks at the side of the pool with arms outstretched like a mini version of the Acapulco divers.Ruby is very patient and motherly with Harley which
is very sweet and helpful.After a quick temple stop where Karen gets her first snap of a fully togged Buddhist monk (not in a bunk) we catch a quick glimpse of traditional Lao dancing which appears to be mainly bird imitating (nothing
to do with ladyboys this time).
Day 9 Wednesday 19th September
It's off to Vang Vien on a 3 1/2 hour coach ride with only 3 seats. Karen is very patient with Harley on her knee most of the way and both children are good except that Ruby seems to prefer her Nintendo to the sometimes wonderful views of rice
paddies,coconut palms,mountains and waterfalls.On arrival we not only miss our free shuttle Songthew (tuk tuk with attitude)to the hotel but also leave the case with Harley and Ruby's books in on the bus. Luckily when the shuttle did catch up with
us the driver spoke excellent english. Having tracked down the now empty bus to a disused airstrip and searched it to no avail I eventually found the case in a different guesthouse's reception - PHEW. We`had booked the luxury Lao house and boy
was it worth it.The view is truly spectacular across the fast flowing Nam Xong busy with net-casting fishermen and long Lao motorised canoes.Behind is a plain studded with Lao huts and various deciduous trees in turn dwarfed by 500m tooth shaped
mountains practically sheer yet covered with trees like badly flossed molars.This panorama stretches a full 180 degrees and in the evening flocks of white gulls fly by in beautiful chiarascuro against the dark green mountains. WOW (and I haven't even
touched the local'happy'food yet.We practically lie down to eat on mattresses and cushions but my fish tastes a bit of river water. Ruby's free range pork is delicious(Anthony Worrell-Thompson eat your heart out) as is (surprisingly) Karens local Lao
dish called Lap with tofu,chilli,vegetables, garlic and mint (luckily also available with meat or fish).Early to bed again to read a bit of my new book 'Marching Powder'which whets my appetite for the SA leg of the trip although I hope I don't end up in San Pedro.
Day 10 Thursday 20th September
Tubing today and the kids are very excited.We have an excellent breakfast at the local bakery including the speciality banana coffee shake (Starbucks beware).Not only does it wake you up but bungs you up too (most excellent and necessary in this neck of the woods).Our ecofriendly tour guide from Green Discovery then takes us up the road in the Songthew and we hop onto our tubes (tractor inner tubes)with Harley on top of me and the girls in a second tube all attached to the guides Kayak. It is a very pleasant meander downstream, more relaxing than exhilarating rather like being a giant Poohstick. We avoid the restaurants with 'Friends' looptapes and end up in one showing loop tapes of 'Family Guy'instead. The food is so-so and the drinks order a all comes together in a bucket with 4 straws - 8 vodkas, 1 can of coke and 1 redbull - YUK. Still waste not want not and I stagger home carrying the now sleeping Harley followed by a reluctant Ruby who probably wanted to stay behind to pick up some more swear words OH DEAR.
Day 11 Friday 21st September
BIG ADVENTURE DAY. We are picked up at 9am for a trekking/caving/tubing extravaganza.The guide assures us it's only 2km of trekking but it feels like about 10km in the heat and with Harley on my back most of the way. Still the landscape is
amazing as we wander through paddy fields and local villages to the caves.The first Elephant cave was small and unremarkable apart from a stalagmite which did bear an uncanny resemblance to the aforementioned beast. The second cave was tricky to get
to up slippery bamboo ladders in 'birkies'and flip-flops so we left Harley with Karen so the guide could help Ruby. Just as the slope inside would have been a challenge for Torville and Dean. due to the fresh mud on the smooth wet rock. Well worth the effort as the cave was huge with pretty 'diamond' encrusted stalagmites and Ruby loved it. After our orphaned buddhist monk trained guide Ola had BBQ'd lunch we went to the aptly named Snail cave which was indeed slimy underfoot again.The final cave was mainly underwater and I was quite affronted when Ola said I was too fat to get in. He had a point as I could never have got in on a tube so we left Karen with the kids and swam in. I almost didn't make it too the entrance due to a really strong current. We then had to tread water and edge into the cave in the dark. Not recommended if you are claustrophobic or a weak swimmer but quite an adrenalin rush. I was so exhausted I insisted Harley walk the whole way back to the truck whereupon he promptly fell asleep and had a rude awakening on a tube in the rapids. We did 10km of tubing instead of the 4km the previous day and stopped at a bar on the river for cocktails,pool and trance music as well as a great trapeze-like swing which dropped me off into he middle of the river before you could say triple salko with twist (well almost). A fantastic day was had by all and everyone was too knackered to go out so we had excellent room service and all were in bed by 8pm except yours truly who got a second wind and polished off the book and the Grey Goose.
