Brisbane City Centre

Brisbane itself was a different kettle of kelp starting with an excellent dinner at Louie’s brother Tom’s house. We enjoy succulent steak, a delicious Leconfield 2002 Cabernet and some interesting anecdotes about life as a GP in Wadonga miles away from a heavily pregnant wife.

We stay in a beautiful period property from the 1880’s recently restored including a charming pool, original furnishings and snooker room complete with lifelike pool playing mannequin to keep you company. The place is a bargain due to communal living area and kitchen but we basically get the place to ourselves apart from the late returning gay coffee salesman who uses the lounge after midnight. Judging from the recent history on the internet that I spot whilst logging onto BBC Schools for Ruby’s homework, the guy must get very little sleep…

It’s Thursday and time for a bit of culture at the Brisbane Art Centre on the trendy Southbank. They are showing an Andy Warhol exhibition that is thoroughly absorbing particularly given my ignorance on the subject of Popart. I am intrigued by the technique of deliberately imperfect printing to create blurred images as in the famous Marilyn, Jackie Kennedy and Debbie Harry series. Other highlights include the realistic baked beans boxes and Campbell’s soup tins, clips from Warhol’s ‘15 minutes of fame’ TV series and the Kids section. The latter had square silver helium balloons floating around in a room entitled ‘clouds’; the chance to record your own 15 seconds of fame and booths where you can take your own passport photos in the blurred brightly coloured Warhol style. I’m very glad I was cajoled into coming and Mum is bound to be pleased too even if her artistic bent leans more to the classical.

Ten pin bowling the next day entertains the kids especially as they each have their own ‘slides’ to make it easier and more fun. Karen’s has less of a good time putting her back out for weeks.

We return to Southbank at the weekend for a picnic amongst the resident curlews and a swim for the kids at the man-made ‘beach’. We just have time for a lazy drive through the impressive botanical gardens and up Mount Coot-tha for far reaching views over the urban sprawl. Dinner is at Louie’s Mum’s where Louie cooks delicious fish ‘en papilotte’, I do some minor DIY and Louie’s Mum chats away pleasantly rather like my own making me feel ever so slightly homesick for the first time…

Redcliffe

We drive on past the aptly named Glass House Mountains to Brisbane or to be more precise Redcliffe. This is billed as a charming northern suburb – probably true if you’re over 80, enjoy crown green bowling and don’t mind being 30kms from the city centre. It reminds me a bit of Bournemouth or Lymington with an ageing population and nothing much to do. Anyway the accommodation is good and spacious and we manage to catch up on Ruby’s homework (Harley is now starting to ask for some too so we buy some waterproof letters/numbers for the bath). We also catch up on a couple of videos including the rather amusing ‘Darwin Awards’ that includes a great scene of an ambitious mechanic who decides to hook up an aircraft engine to the back of his ‘ute’.

About the most interesting things in Redcliffe were watching an octagenarian ‘trainee’ feed the pelicans (only 3 came) and my sashimi lunch including seaweed, clam and a surprisingly stingy jellyfish. At least there was no blue-ringed octopus on offer as I would have probably gone for it to relieve the boredom of Redcliffe.

Brisbane - Australia Zoo

On the way we stop off at the much acclaimed Australia zoo – brainchild of the late Steve ‘crikey look at that stingray’ Irwin. It’s a bit of a disappointment after all the hype, but the enclosures are very spacious with well looked after animals.(cf Vietnam). The tiger’s were very impressive, especially when playing with their young. Intrepid keepers are on hand to ensure the kittens don’t annoy the parents too much, at which point they can get a bit violent. (Why don’t they have keepers for humans too?!). The Crocoseum was a bit ‘happy clappy’ but eventually we were treated to an acrobatic crocodile feeding show and interesting bird display where half the exhibits flew off. We got up close and personal with cassowaries, wombats (giant guinea pigs) and most intriguingly up to 180 year old mating giant tortoises from Galapagos. (I hope I’m still at it when I’m half that age – second thoughts maybe not). One tortoise that had recently died was captured on Darwin’s original trip to the Ecuadorian Islands and had come via London Zoo where she was gawped at in Victorian times.

Noosa

Next stop is the very pretty estuary resort of Noosa where the eponymous river meets the South Pacific and the bronzed, bikinied, backpacking bodies meet the wealthy Brisbane style cats complete with large boat and wallet. We equip ourselves with boogie board, ‘noodle’, baseball + bat and head for the beach. One side of the peninsular is packed with ‘stingers’ but the other is ok and we spend a fun day teaching the kids baseball + bodysurfing interspersed with a delicious picnic and the drama of an injured surfer being stretchered away – it was his birthday as well poor bugger. That evening the seafood platter @ Le Monde is fantastic complete with the local delicacy the Moreton Bay Bug as well as lobster, oysters and crab (the latter with plenty of easily accessible meat cf Cambodia).

Next day we have an emotional reunion with our favourite nanny Louie who we stylishly meet on our hired motor boat (bargain at only 75$ for 3 hours). I manage to run the bloody thing aground but luckily full throttle reverse does the trick in the end and the inspection upon return doesn’t reveal anything untoward. (The last time I ran aground was on a barge in Burgundy which was probably the last time I took the controls on a boat – maybe just a coincidence). We retreat to the pool for wine fuelled Jacuzzi followed by swimming races where I lose to Louie after a rematch ( I don’t feel too bad as she’s currently training for a triathalon whilst my training seems only appropriate for sumo). We stagger to Bistro C for a great seafront view and some good fish. I then take the kids back whilst the girls go on for a few more and a catch up.

A lazy Saturday ensues vegetating in front of Travel and Living which gives us a foretaste of Machu Picchu. We eventually head out to see the National Park at Noosa Heads but can’t find parking + weather turns so we retreat back to a bottle of Maclaren Vale Cab.sauv. + pack up for next days trip to the sunny capital of Queensland.

Yepoon and Hervey Bay

After 500 kms of sugar cane and savannah and 5 kms of palm tree lined driveway, we arrive at the Rydges Capricorn Resort near the tiny town of Yepoon. It turns out to be not that fancy after all – a bit of a glorified Butlins. We do enjoy a monster swimming pool complete with ferocious manmade waterfall, as well as a gargantuan breakfast, before heading off to Hervey Bay. Unfortunately WG temporarily takes over as chief packer and leaves the camera behind. Thanks to the stork-filled driveway we realise soon enough. Hervey Bay is still another 450kms away and I decide to put my foot down a bit.10 minutes later I get flashed by a police car coming the other way. Sh*t, not again – before I have time to think I’ve turned off at breakneck speed down a pot-holed unmade road desperate to avoid another hefty fine. Soon sanity returns and I realise the Ford Fairlane 1996 is no Landrover. I head back to the main road with mercifully no attendant sirens blazing.

We soon pass Fig Tree Creek with literally millions of hanging fruit bats crammed into the trees. After sampling the screeching and noxious smells for a while we continue to Hervey Bay. Here the main tourist attraction is the sandy offshore 4WD heaven off Fraser Island. Everyone wants to go and tours are expensive so not having a 4WD anyway we decide to give it a miss. HB itself is quite pretty and we enjoy the beach and low water level where even Harley can wade out for ages. We also land on our feet again with a great deal on an excellent apartment on the beachfront with two-sided balcony, pool, sauna, two double bedrooms and spacious living area all tastefully furnished. Too good to be true so we stay for an extra day. We hire two tandem bikes and enjoy a bit of exercise for a change. Interestingly Harley cycles like the clappers on the back of Karen’s bike whilst Ruby sits there like Cleopatra pedalling only when I look back to check. We have a great day cycling up the pier to get a good look at Fraser Island + back for a well-earned sauna. I reckon I must have lost a few pounds with the sweaty cycling + sauna @ 93 degrees.

Airlie Beach

The brakes are getting worse as the ‘power assist’ is broken. Rather like giving birth you now have to push pretty hard before anything happens. Also air-con is on the blink and takes 5 seconds or so to fire up – fingers crossed as its still over 30-degrees and fairly humid. The garage assistant tells us to watch out for theft and Mickey Finns - sounds like a lovely place….

On arrival our apartment has a wonderful view of a building site but at least we can admire it at our leisure from the outdoor Jacuzzi. We go to a great man-made lagoon with imported sand, palm trees and rocks where the kids have hours of fun.

The next stop is Vic Hislop’s shark show where the entrance is shaped like a huge shark’s mouth. The guy is a bit of a nutter who goes out after suspected man-eaters on a tiny boat. Once caught he inspects the stomachs of the shark to check for human remains then freezes them and carts the carcasses round the country in refrigerated trucks for his shows. He believes that sharks are the scum of the seas (only the dangerous species such as tiger sharks) and is convinced that government figures for shark deaths (about 1 per year in Australia) are grossly understated. Whatever your views you have to hand it to the guy he has large ‘cahonas’.

The main reason for coming to the Whitsundays is for sailing but the wind is too strong and kids aren’t allowed in many of the proper racing boats anyway so we settle for booking a large catamaran instead. Although tourists and not proper sailing we enjoy our day to three of the Whitsunday Islands. Tiny Daydream Island is first measuring only 1km by 500m but there is plenty to do with sharks and Manta rays on display and we struggle to get back in time. Next is Hamilton Island famous for its jetset. We the hoi polloi have to make do with the local bus as without my driver’s license I can’t even hire a golf buggy to take us round the island. Disappointment is short-lived as the views are great particularly from the Cat’s Eyes. The final stop is at Whitehaven beach rated as one of the top 10 in the world in a recent survey. It is an amazingly pure white (98% silica we are told) and several miles long. Karen and the kids don their fluorescent yellow full body stinger suits and look like the ‘incredibles’.
Actually incredible sensible I realize as I swim past a few jellyfish with less protection than a devout Catholic. We head back to Shute harbour at sunset reflecting on another successful family outing.

It’s Australia Day and we need to celebrate the country’s 120th birthday in style so we head to Magnums. We start with the traditional Cane toad racing where I sponsor number six ‘dash’ who makes a promising start but fades badly. Next up is the surf board bucking bronco which we wisely leave to the youngsters and it’s all interspersed with great music from the Rock Wallabies. Their version of a track from Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish you were here’ album was quite surreal with the addition of a didgeridoo ‘Just another brick in the waaoooaaaoooall’. Although it wasn’t a Sunday we had a good ‘session’ to mark the end of our visit to the Whitsundays.

Townsville and Magnetic Island

B*gger, I’ve just been done for speeding and Karen has quite rightly berated me for my lame excuse: “I was trying to get to Townsville before dark, officer”. As she quire rightly pointed out, what I should have said is: “are you sure you have the right car officer? This is a 1996 Ford with over 300,000 on the clock, 140 kph seems unlikely.” Anyway I am actually clocked @ only 125 kph so $250 seems a bit bloody steep and I’m quite hacked off. We now decide to keep to the speed limit which over 10,000 kms which means about an extra 24hrs driving – oh well the scenery’s good.

We check out The Strand or beachfront as well as Flinders Mall and we even get the kids to stay up happily eating Tapas until 10pm before taking the ½ hour ferry ride to Magnetic Island. This is a very small island that we nip round in an hour and we’re booked in for 3 nights. There are plenty of interesting bays and we enjoy a beautiful sunset @ Horseshoe Bay made particularly relaxing by the children’s excellent behaviour playing quietly by the beach. We also enjoy a day by the hotel’s pool as the kids chase me during an extended game of swimming ‘tag’ using their superhero alter egos ‘Purple Lightening and ‘Blue Thunder’.

The next day we unsuccessfully go koala spotting in the wild at Radical Bay. Not a single bloody eucalyptus chewer in sight and the road is more cratered than the moon so we head for the easy option at the Koala Park. Not only do the kids get to cuddle koalas again, we also all get to hold a croc. (mouth strapped shut of coarse), use a python as a makeshift scarf and feed the parakeets (scariest of the lot as they really do dig their claws in whilst pecking the muesli-like stodge off your hands). Tony the guide is also full of amusing anecdotes such as the fact that crocs only go for tourists and mosquitoes much prefer hot-bloodied women with smelly feet to frigid men with sweetly perfumed toes (quite frankly I’m surprised they bother me so much).

Next morning there’s just time to pop down to Picnic Bay and reminisce with an old codger about how the place has changed over the last 20 years (or 44 years in his case) before heading back to Townsville to pick up our passports left at the Rydges Hotel (oops schoolboy error). We upgrade to a luxury apartment for 1 night only which is fantastic and in the morning we head south out of Townsville for Airlie Beach. Where are the signs of these ‘worst floods in 120 years’ I keep wondering until I realise we are travelling in a northerly loop. We get back to 100m from where we started ½ hour later. Still not many signs of damage or high water levels and we arrive at the gateway to the Whitsundays unscathed several snail-paced hours later.

Mission Beach

There’s a bit of a storm blowing and we’ve got no brakes to speak of - luckily Karen is driving. We wend our weary way over the last 20 kms of windy windy (blowing and bendy) wet road past several signs warning us to be CASSO-WARY. Most tourists have probably never heard of these large endangered flightless birds hence their high mortality rate from the most dangerous predator of all – the speeding 4WD. Luckily we had read our guidebook and knew there were only 1500 left in the world (enough to fill about 2.5% of Old Trafford presuming these birds had small bottoms and were stupid enough to be interested in watching Man Utd – there haven’t and they aren’t). So large in fact are their bums (and throats) that it enables them to swallow and excrete intact some of the largest seeds in the world. These include many of the arboreal inhabitants of the rainforest making them conservationists ‘par excellence’.

I am very excited about meeting this three-toed man-sized monster-bird, but we are out of luck on our morning trip to Garners Beach, despite passing through a Cassowary ‘hotspot’. At least there are no flies either and plenty of shells to keep the kids amused. Plenty of warnings about marine stingers too, with bottles of vinegar provided by the council to ease the pain – a clear warning that swimming is a no-no in Queensland at this time of year.

On the way to lunch and a swim @ the well-positioned Horizons hotel we strike gold. Along struts a magnificent bird with a blue and purple head and red wattles (neck-lobes). This is clearly a cassowary and it’s right in front of us. What an awesome sight - very different to seeing one in captivity (cf Australia Zoo).

We try to book a reef trip but it’s still a bit stormy so we head to Tully. This is the wettest town in Australia and home of the giant 7.9m tall gumboot, testament to the annual rainfall in 1950 when the town received its award. Ironically it’s a sunny day (despite the high swells out to see and the fact that Townsville a few hours south is having its worst floods in 120 years). We stock up for a picnic and drive towards the Tully Gorge that is surprisingly easy to miss. We end up at a dead end at the hydro-electrical plant notable for the fact that if it opens its floodgate the Tully river turns instantaneously from stream to raging torrent. It is therefore with some unease that on eventual arrival I tow Ruby across the river. The current is pretty fierce and having got across one way by starting way upstream and managing to grab onto a rock I make it back pretty knackered having told Ruby to hang on to my waist while I sprint at full speed angled acutely upstream. The March flies are bastards (apparently if you squash one, others can smell their splattered colleague and attack ‘en masse’). While Karen, Ruby and I rush to get clothed, Harley is clearly immune and has great fun lobbing ever-larger stones into the river narrowly missing a handful of other tourists. This tires him eventually and he sleeps through the banana plantation filled drive back to our boutique B&B. He then scoffs a large kebab and wont sleep ‘till after midnight - so much for a relaxing Jim Carey DVD….

It’s Thursday and we’re booked on the morning catamaran to the reef. We stop off at Dunk Island where I revisit the site of a dangerous waist deep island-to-island walk in 1990 with stingrays and stonefish. I was stung by something and had a nervous ½ hour wait while the locals deliberated on whether it was fatal or not. No such drama this time as we pick up a few passengers and head out to the Great Barrier Reef proper. We plump for the guided tour and are quite a sight in our snorkelling gear and life-vests with the kids in stinger suits for added jellyfish protection and Harley in a ring. We watch parrotfish, blue and yellow fusiliers and a huge black estuary cod feed and then we are taken to the clown fish that live symbiotically with sea anemones. We get to handle starfish and slimy sea cucumbers and are told about the fragile ecosystem before grabbing some lunch onboard. After lunch the jellyfish are getting a bit too numerous for comfort so Karen takes the kids on the glass-bottomed boat where they spot a turtle. I stay in the water where the sights are amazing including huge (less dangerous) jellyfish that are very beautiful after the initial fear subsides and, the highlight of the trip, a white-tipped reef shark that powers past me and into the distance before I have time to work out if I’m awestruck or petrified. The coral itself is plentiful and varied though not as impressively vibrant as in the photos. I make it to a sandy cay about 100m long and 10m wide topped with birds eggs and incredible white sand and it feels like I’m standing in the middle of the ocean. We head back to shore reflecting on a fantastic experience that will stick in the memory for a very long time.

QUEENSLAND

Cairns and Far North Queensland


Between Adelaide and Cairns we have a 5 hr stopover in Sydney that is made much more pleasant by taking a short cab ride to Nicky and Andy’s house in Dulwich Hill. Foxtel at last! Luckily Andy is watching the infamous ‘Monkey Business’ test between Australia and India. It looks like a dull draw so we catch England winning the beach cricket. Amazingly on arrival at the airport I find out that Michael Clarke of all people gets 3 wickets in five balls in the last over of the test to seal a remarkable victory for the Ozzies. Typical – at least the Indians go on to win the One Day series - even Australians are starting to get bored of their test side winning cricket matches.

We’ve been warned about the rain and humidity during the wet season in North Queensland and sure enough it’s stuffy and wet on arrival with a spectacular thunderstorm the first night. We get a good deal at the Rydges Hotel and prepare to hole up for a while, as there is a tropical cyclone 100 kms away heading in our direction. Luckily the storm blows itself out and we can start our search for a car to get us out of this rather uninteresting town. Cairns reminds me a bit of Hertford in the 80’s with drunken ‘Blackbirds’ locals replaced by Aboriginals who don’t restrict their drunkenness to ‘kicking out’ time – poor bastards were fine for 40,000 years and along came Captain Cook and his rum to expose a genetic weakness.

We buy a Ford Fairlane 1996 Ghia 3.6L sedan for a bargain $5500 and the good news is that there are only 309,000 kms on the clock! After a wonky haircut (8 times the price of a good cut in Laos) and the Golden Compass at the cinema we head north to the remote tropical rainforests of the Daintree National Park.
No wonder plenty of people own 4WD’s up here. We just make it to the Beach House at Cape Tribulation (so named as Captain Cook ran aground close-by on the Great Barrier Reef) but the last few kms are a bit pot-holed for our old banger. A few kms further north there’s a steep slope and a sign saying 4WD’s only so I decide on caution particularly as we don’t want to wreck the car after such a short time. I remember Cape Trib. from 1990 when I stayed in the Jungle lodge nearby and this place is similar. Dense rainforest grows right up to the beach and a chorus of mating frogs compliments the Spartan yet expensive accommodation.
We cross the Daintree River, on nothing much more than a glorified raft, over croc- infested waters. Unfortunately we don’t spot any of these prehistoric reptiles (much more visible in the dry season with lower water levels). After a brief stop at ‘mosquitoes from hell’ beach we leave the rainforest and head towards the Atherton Tablelands. There are still pockets of rainforest such as at the Mareeba gorge where we all walk across a swing-bridge to get a good view and get soaked to the skin. As I explain philosophically to Ruby you can’t experience a rainforest fully with no rain.
We continue the Spartan mosquito-ridden rainforest accommodation theme at Kuranda. We shun the scenic railway/gondola and head into the outback with a still varied landscape: endless kilometres with nothing but scrub and giant termite mounds; picturesque vistas of rolling plains and mountainous peaks from the McHugh lookout; orderly rows of dark-green leaved coffee and mango plantations; pockets of forest including the massive curtain ‘strangler’ fig (it begins life using the host tree as support, then gradually suffocates the older tree when strong enough to support itself); ‘Alpine’ villages such as Yungaburra complete with Swiss-themed restaurant and incongruous platypus viewing platforms nearby (the notice informs us that the two important qualities of a first time Duckbill spotter are silence and patience – hardly surprising then that with Harley and Ruby in tow we didn’t spot any).

The plethora of varied panoramas is extraordinary including the stunning Baron’s Falls with the biggest drop of all through dense rainforest. Next stop is the shorter Milaa Milaa waterfall where Ruby and I take the freezing plunge in the rain whilst Karen guards sleeping Harley. We then negotiate Ravenshoe’s rolling green hills (home of the biggest wind farm in Oz with a rather paltry 21 turbines) en route to the world famous thermal pools of Innot – well famous in Innot anyway. Here, rather than digging ourselves a natural mud bath, we opt for the man-made variety at the hot ‘springs’ which is a selection of spas at different temperatures. We get to the seriously hot inner sanctum where a scaly octogenarian seems to have malted into the 43-degree pool so Karen opts for the 41 degree Madras and I roast my chestnuts in the 45-degree Vindaloo. A detour to Mount Garner is a waste of time with dusty roads, more termite mounds and no mining museum to show for our troubles. The next section of the journey is more interesting on a single-track road through the aptly named Misty Mountains. Not a hobbit in sight but plenty of sheep, cows and greenery reminiscent of the UK or NZ. Eventually we arrive in darkness at Innisfail with none of the promised Art Deco in sight but plenty of ugly buildings including our accommodation of choice the Great Barrier Reef Motel. At least they are showing the Chelsea v Everton League Cup Semi 1st Leg.

We have to go 70 kms or so back to Cairns to pick up the car insurance documents and spend the day in the rather snazzy lagoon (giant swimming pool with spurting sculptures and actual sand).Haley does a length with no armbands for the first time. The cloud cover is deceptive and we all get mild sunburn for the first time on the trip. More importantly we miss out on Miss Bikini World in our eagerness to head south for Mission Beach and a visit to the Great Barrier Reef proper (fish and coral this time rather than ‘prison block’ motel).

Barossa Valley

Andy appears to have overlooked hangover precautions and arrives sporting a new shade of white with a hint of green around the gills. He looks so bad that he elicits sympathy rather than the usual barracking, especially as he’s been banned from his car for excessive whingeing. He travels up with me whilst Karen joins Nicky in the fun wagon. Plied with water, sweets and erudite conversation Andy perks up a bit, but the greenness returns slightly on arrival at the wineries. The scenery was stunning and a bit reminiscent of Margaret River with giant trees and scorched brown grasses, vibrant green vines and bright blue sky. The wines are less amazing although at Rockford’s we tasted an excellent Sparkling Shiraz and Tawny Port. If Andy thought his stomach was in for a bit of respite he could think again as we got a babysitter in and headed off to the fancy Pepper’s Louise restaurant. Six rich courses (including quail, beef, cheese and 'amuse bouches') and four bottles of wine later we stagger under a clear and brightly starlit sky back to the waiting taxi and home to a rather amused babysitter (Ruby had told her that her last one in Laos was rubbish and she had had to practically look after Harley herself).

Next day it was golf again, this time in a far more suitable climate. Although we didn’t exactly bring the course to its knees I did manage to get a couple of pars in the end to make it exciting and take it to the 18th. After a good wallow in the pool we nipped down the road to Charlie Melton’s. Having negotiated our way past a shameless dog sunning his bollocks, we bought a few bottles of the excellent rosé and the wonderful Angel’s Tears Shiraz to go with some delicious pâtés and cheeses at our luxurious 2-bedroom apartment. On the final day in the Barossa the boys purged their guilt a bit with some babysitting around the pool whilst the girls enjoyed a pampering spa morning. Then it was back to Adelaide via the disappointing Bethany winery and Wolf Blass, where the reds were much better than the whites. It was a fantastic trip with a good balance of wineries, sport, friendship and fine food.

No rest for the wicked as we went into town early for the market. We were celebrating our farewell from Adelaide and procured a huge kingfish, which weighed about the same as Emily. This was washed down with a very good Centenary Shiraz from an unexpected source - Jacob’s Creek. Karen’s wonderful pavlova was similarly despatched with the help of Dowie Doole’s beautifully balanced Botrytis Semillon.
I felt slightly sad to be leaving, as we said our farewells at the airport the next day, as this experience of Adelaide had been so much better than the first. At the same time it was exciting to be heading to Cairns in the Tropical North of Queensland to try to find an old banger that would take us the 10,000 kms down the East Coast as far south as Tasmania.

Christmas and New Year

Again Ozzie Christmas did feel very different but fun for a change. Although very hot the turkey was still there with all the trimmings + was delicious despite the sore head. At least I was sober on Xmas day itself that is more than can be said for one nameless friend who became uncharacteristically sozzled and frisky (strictly in the verbal sense of course).

It all became pleasantly busy on the social front being the festive season: drinks at the park; a pool party at a friends house (where everyone’s kids took it in turns to injure themselves at half hourly intervals) and a great New Years Eve party – definitely the first time I’ve brought in the New Year in the pool with a glass of bubbles eyeing up my girlfriend in her sexy new Sea Folly bikini. In between parties we managed to squeeze in some good days out. We spent a wonderful day at Sellicks beach where you can drive your car right onto the sand - the kids had their first taste of driving on Daddy’s lap before we found out that normal road rules apply. We enjoyed a couple of wineries in the Maclaren Vale (d'Arenberg was excellent) before being treated to a delicious lunch at a winemaker friend’s house. His daughter Cordelia is the same age as Ruby which was great for both of them as well as Harley who seemed to enjoy trying to keep up with the big girls in the pool. Two outings to the Adelaide Hills were fun as well, including a brief tasting at Penfolds, lunch at a fantastic microbrewery in Loebethal, a koala cuddling at the local wildlife park and least impressively a visit to the world’s largest Rocking Horse. (Harley concurrently attempted the world’s longest whinge and received his first bottom smack of the trip).

2008 already and my resolution in to make no resolutions but try to keep things as they are with my beautiful girlfriend and wonderful kids. Luckily they are forgiving too as I spend January 1st on a boy’s day out. Despite New Year’s Eve excesses we manage to get to the golf club by 10am. The temperature soon climbs to a toasty 42 degrees in the shade, so we are quite glad we hired a couple of buggies. Just in case we are not yet dehydrated enough, we retire to the bar for a late lunch. More beers at a 20:20 cricket match at the Adelaide Oval and a few games of pool to take us through to closing time at the oldest pub in Adelaide follow this.
Cunningly I take a pint of water and the wonderful Ozzie invention Barocca before bed, as it’s another early start in the morning heading for the Barossa Valley.

ADELAIDE

Glenelg

I was a bit worried about coming back to Adelaide, having spent a couple of days in the city centre before and likening it to Milton Keynes (not sure why as it bears no resemblance). This time would be different as we were staying with friends in the suburbs. Rob and Simone’s third child was due any day so we decided to rent an apartment in the fashionable beachside district of Glenelg until she went into hospital.
Jesus what a dump! This was the worst accommodation on the trip so far and we had stayed in some cheap places (eg $7 a night in Rach Gia). I am ashamed to admit that on the second evening I left Karen in this sh*thole to drown my sorrows with local ale, football and fantastic spicy giros (kebabs).

We lasted only 2 nights and then Karen found a great deal on Wotif (local accommodation website). She managed to secure a plush 2- bed penthouse for $200 instead of $400 a night. It was still over budget but we were to be staying with friends for a few weeks so we went for it. The views were spectacular overlooking the sea on one side and the marina on the other. We showed off our newfound pad with a dinner party for Rob, Simone (going in for a Caesar next day), Andy, Nicky + 3 kids (one of whom pressed the alarm in the lift + got stuck with Dad for 30 minutes waiting for an engineer to get them out). All went well in the end and we even had surprise visitors – Nicky’s Dad Jim and brother Dave who were LILO (Last In Last Out – or more accurately ‘Life ’n soul In Legless Out’.

Linden Park

Christmas had sort of sneaked up on us this year and it was weird having taken a tram ride to the city to find a giant inflated Father Christmas and decorations festooned everywhere whilst we were still in shorts and ‘Birkies’ in 40 degrees heat. It was also strange in a pleasant way, once we had moved into R&M’s house in Linden Park, living a normal life and doing normal things like washing up - the novelty soon wore off. The third odd thing was that a case of 24 beers seems to cost less than buying 18 - even if I’m wrong it was a good excuse.

The kids were enjoying a more normal life too. Not only did they have friends to play up. Also Ruby had a homework amnesty for 2 weeks for the Christmas Holidays allowing for full-time playtime. Dad was doing normal things too like reading books, playing squash (sh*t I’m unfit + feel old) and playing ‘footy’ in the park (only difference being that Aussie footy has nothing to do with soccer but is more like rugby on a huge oval pitch, with forward passes allowed and four goal posts).

Baby Emily was born on 21st December - the same day as my sister Emma - weighing in at around 6lbs (about the size of my hand). It was an amazing feeling carrying something so tiny, only a few hours old and something I hadn’t experienced since Harley was born. Emily came back to the house on Xmas Eve blissfully unaware of the pursuant mayhem. Rob, a friend Scottie (a very bad influence as he used to manage a pub) and I celebrated her birth with a game of 100 shots (beer not vodka) in 100 minutes. Luckily we only got up to about 35 (memory’s a bit hazy) but combined with some wine and port this gave me a stinking hangover all through Xmas day. Thanks Scottie.

Perth and Freemantle

On the way back to Perth we visited Busselton Jetty the longest pier in the Southern Hemisphere at 1.8kms. The kids impressed by walking there and back in the hot sun enjoying the Underwater Observatory in between. This was the opposite of an aquarium as we were ‘trapped’ in a glass tank while dense shoals of fish and octopi ‘observed’ us curiously. We stayed the night in Freemantle in a classic Irish pub Rosie ‘o Grady’s with live music which sent Harley stir crazy. He was allowed free reign on the dance floor by the generous Ozzie audience until the 9pm kiddie curfew. I put the kids to bed to give Karen a chance for a bit of gig (not much payback for the endless RWC matches but a start at least). We never experienced the famous Freemantle Doctor (refreshing afternoon breeze) having arrived late + left at midday but we did enjoy one of ‘Freo’s’ other highlights – breakfast on the ‘Cappuccino Strip’ with oodles of strong coffee, fresh juice and fatty fry up (just as well I brought 6 months worth of cholesterol busting drugs with me). On to Perth itself for our last day in WA. First stop the impressive King’s Park set in 4 Sq km of natural bush where we all enjoy a beautiful treetop walk. Next is lunch on Barrack Street Jetty overlooking the attractive Swan River in the amusingly named ‘Lucky Shag’ bar. After a quick stop-off in Cottesloe to say ‘hi’ to some family friends we checked into the aptly named Northbridge Hotel in the eponymous suburb. Having settled the kids I was on my way to find a corkscrew from reception when I spotted some drunken female lurking in the corridor. I thought she was waiting for the lift but when it came she didn’t get in – was it because I wasn’t wearing my Lynx?? The answer came a minute later when the fire alarm went off which had been smashed on the third floor metres from where she had been swaying. I was stuck on the ground floor with the rest of the family on the third and the lifts out of action. I explained to reception what had probably happened and the alarm was stopped pretty quickly without the kids even waking up. Phew, it was our only bottle of the delectable Vasse Felix Shiraz 2006. Next morning it’s ‘au revoir’ Western Australia as we take the plane to Adelaide.

Margaret River

Blimey it’s Monday already and time to move on. We hire a car and head down south towards the Margaret River. After an hour we stop at the rather grandly titled Mandurah Ocean Marina for some delicious fish and ‘lost block’ Semillon. As we travel on, the attractively spaced out urban landscape with plenty of parkland and sailing boat speckled water gives way to a more barren rural stretch of parched brown earth and finally changes once again to the towering Karri forest interspersed with verdant vineyards and blue sky that we were promised. We manage to secure a last minute deal on an apartment that looks ugly from the outside but turns out to be attractive once we get inside. The kids are very excited to be staying somewhere with a staircase for the first time on the trip. It also has 2 bedrooms which pleases the parents too so we extend our stay to 3 nights. The next morning we ‘hit’ the wineries that are excellent if somewhat pricey for both wines and food. Cape Mentelle, owned by Veuve Clicquot, had suitably restrained, well-made wines; Leeuwin was in a beautiful setting with sculptures in the gardens and well-crafted wines too notably the ‘Art Series’ Chardonnay and Riesling; At Xanadu we enjoyed a delicious but expensive lunch yet the wines were commercial and uninteresting; ditto Wise although this was more than compensated for by the excellent views down over the forest to the ocean as well as the delectable local venison (dear deer!?); Vasse Felix laid claim to being the oldest winery in the region with the first vintage back in my birth year of 1967. Sadly that first crop was decimated by birds so the following year they trained falcons to protect the grapes. Unfortunately the falcons flew off but they remain on the label and the wines are now excellent particularly the Shiraz. The last winery of note was Cullen with the only impressive Pinot Noir we tasted in WA.

Time for a beach break @ Hamelin Bay that was beautiful apart from a festering of flies that could only be escaped from with a long underwater swim out to sea. I later learned that this was far more dangerous as Hamelin Bay is one of the best places to watch shoals of stingrays FROM THE SHORE!! (Steve Irwin RIP). We travelled as far as Cape Leeuwin notable for being the point at which the Indian and Southern Oceans meet. The Southern Ocean looked colder and more savage but we didn’t risk the flies/stingrays again to test out the theory. We headed back via a long unmarked forest road to check out the Karri forest up close. Almost grounded the car that we were specifically told not to take off the tarmac and I seemed to be the only one enjoying the splendour of these deciduous monsters – tant pis.

Scarborough Beach

Eventually we arrive at Scarborough Beach @ 1am and just manage to negotiate our luggage around a maze of stairs and corridors before all collapsing in a heap: adults, kids and baggage too. The next morning we check out Scarborough, attractively known as ‘Scabs’ by the locals. There’s not a great deal to see apart from a few shops, restaurants and a beach. Our first shock is the price of fish and chips @ $22; the second is when looking in Coles for an alternative lunch where fruit and veg. seems double the price of the UK (this could be partly due to subconscious comparison with Cambodia and partly because of transport costs as Perth is about 4000kms from ‘civilisation’ if you can call Adelaide civilised ??!!). The third shock was the kids screaming for no apparent reason on arrival at the beach. This turned out to be the exaggerated pain of a mini- sandstorm around the legs of the nippers caused by the brisk sea breeze - you would have thought somebody was actually sandpapering their legs such was the Banshee wailing – so much for our first idyllic beach trip in Australia. The next day I fail to find anyone showing the Hatton v Mayweather fight (probably just as well given the result) so we retire to the apartment and its rather chilly pool. After a while I team up with Harley to practically kick a rabble of teenagers out of the Jacuzzi taking advantage of the sign stating that adults take precedence over children at all times. Harsh but fair.

Western Australia

G’day from WA

We’re on the plane from HK to Perth and there’s time to reflect that a quarter of the trip is gone already. It seems only a few weeks ago that we were saying our goodbyes in London, yet when I think in detail about the places we’ve been to and the new experiences we’ve had, time appears to slow down and stretch out behind me until it feels as though we’ve been gone for 6 months. Australia is certainly a new leg of our travels and it will be interesting for me to compare the experience with my 3 previous visits – once as a backpacker in 1990 and twice more recently on family holidays to Adelaide and Sydney. This will be the first time to Western Australia and I am looking forward to it having heard good things. WA is a significant part of the country certainly in terms of surface area representing about 1/3. Put another way it is bigger than Texas and New Zealand combined. We will be concentrating on the South Western tip including the state capital Perth and the Margaret River where according to our guidebook ‘wineries and great restaurants nestle in lush, tall forests’. Sounds good to me if only we could get into the flaming country in the first place…..

Bloody Ozzie customs again – We arrive with copious luggage and understandably knackered children @ around 11pm and in spite of going through the ‘something to declare’ channel we’re still there an hour later trying to explain why we didn’t mention the children’s wooden bamboo flutes and croaking frogs. We are given a warning and told to go through at which point Ruby rouses herself from her reverie: “ how about Cooper’s toy bike? That’s made of wood too…” Luckily customs have turned their attention to another unsuspecting tourist and his half eaten apple, which could cost him 6 months in high security prison. At least we were allowed to keep everything including the unnoticed Lao Lao whisky complete with pickled venomous green tree snake for later consumption in Adelaide. Strangely my mates Andy and Rob were retrospectively disgruntled that I’d managed to sneak this through as it had a kick like a wounded zebra and the aftertaste of a reptilian cesspit. The miraculous safe passage of the bamboo flutes didn’t excite them as much as planned either – particularly after the third day of monotonous single note piping.