Sydney

We’re going to stay with our good friends Nicky and Andy + 2 year old son Cooper for a week in Dulwich Hill. The journey from the Hunter Valley is uneventful and unscenic save for Hawkshead about an hour north of Sydney. Here a gap in the endless trees allows views down sheer cliffs to the waters below. The road suddenly turns into an arcade driving game with roads cut straight through the rocks. This leaves not only vertical stone on either side but also strangely in the middle of the road too. I sweeten Andy up with some excellent takeaway pizza, ply him with some of the aforementioned port and convince him to sign up to Setanta sports who are showing the 6 nations live. I shouldn’t have bothered on the basis of England’s dismal display against Scotland but I get his money’s worth for him by watching all 3 matches until 5am. I hope he remembers to cancel his subscription but maybe he doesn’t want to.

2 hours later it’s Sunday morning and what better way to fine tune your hangover than a lounge on beautiful Bronte Beach. After a paddle in the rock pool and a decent lunch I’m just beginning to feel a bit better when I spot Andy creating intricate architecturally sound sandcastles for the kids. I just know this is going to stitch me up for future beach trips.

On Monday Nicky and Andy are up at the crack. We appreciate the beauty of being able to choose from Nicky’s plethora of kid’s videos and go back to bed. We eventually summon the strength for a trip to the North Shore. We drive past the plush marina-laden suburbs of Seaforth and Clontarf to the pretty district of Manly. We stroll along the attractive open mall complete with water jets that the kids love and get completely soaked. Time to change into swimmers and enjoy a picnic and a swim at the beach. Sadly there’s a plague of bluebottle jellyfish that doesn’t prevent a quick cooling bodysurf, but it’s no good for the kids. I’m forced into some intricate sandcastling (thanks Andy), while Karen is being spatially invaded by Eastern European sunbathers in spite of empty beach all around. We leave early, as Karen is getting cold with the temperature dropping to a chilly 80 degrees…

Next day we head to the city centre admiring the stunning views from the park across beautifully manicured green lawns to the white sailboat shaped opera house in the shadow of the colossal black Sydney Harbour Bridge. Bridge climbers look like vertical ants high above the azure bay. No wonder people rave about the beauty of Sydney – this is its visual centrepiece.

We take a closer look at the Opera House strolling around for a while and soaking the
atmosphere as well as a few rays.

Hunter Valley

It’s a 2-hour drive from Port Stephens to the Hunter Valley, which seems like a cakewalk having clocked up almost 10,000 kms in the last few weeks. We enjoy a delicious lunch at Roberts Restaurant where the kids can run around the beautifully kept gardens whilst we polish off the coffee and cakes. The estate also houses the Pepper Tree Winery with some decent wines particularly the 1998 Merlot. On to Tyrell’s where there’s a handy breathalyser test on site that I pass but Karen doesn’t. I knew she’d been sneaking extra samples at the tasting whilst I was boring the winemaker with questions about microclimate and vintage variations in the Hunter. Despite some good aged Semillons we plump for quantity rather than quality with a ten litre vat of Tyrell’s tawny port. Not a bad option as we plan to do a bit of partying in Sydney/Canberra/Melbourne. Also it’s half the price of the bottled port although exactly the same liquid in different packaging. Once the VISA has safely cleared we are warned not to leave the giant plastic container in the car too long in the heat of the day, as they have been known to explode…

After a quick break at the cheese and chocolate shops we nip into the local Blue Tongue microbrewery for a mixed ‘tasting’ case of stout, lager, Pilsner and Ginger beer. We travel to our apartment through scorched vineyards where ironically many of the grapes have been left on the vine due to excessive rain at harvest time. We also pass our biggest road kill so far in the form of a giant wombat – at least we’ve now seen one in the wild ?! The apartment is split into two with connecting doors so we can put the kids to sleep one side then enjoy Mr and Mrs Smith on the other (the movie!!). A huge thunderstorm keeps us up but fails to wake the kids.

We see wallabies and horses grazing side by side on the way to breakfast and then it’s off to Wyndhams. The wines are good and reasonable so we buy a mixed case and sign up to the free year’s Wine club membership to get a cheaper deal. We also try a delicious 1998 Show Reserve Cabernet but resist the temptation to buy as quite pricey. We have to keep to some sort of budget on this trip that is turning into one long jolly….

Port Stephens

I’ve been looking forward to coming here for a while as it came strongly recommended by a couple of friends. It doesn’t disappoint with stunning scenery including a bay 2 ½ times the size of Sydney harbour, the incredible Stockton Bight, the largest moving sand dunes in the Southern Hemisphere and the surfside village of Anna Bay where the eucalypts are apparently dripping with koala’s.

We go green and stay in an Ecolodge complete with swarms of virulent mossies and a hole in the ground otherwise known as a Rotorloo. At least Harley has fun listening for the splats as the stools approach terminal velocity before hitting the ground several metres below. Karen is understandably more concerned that a snake might sneak up the hole (no not that one!!) during her ‘business’ time of the day. We only last a couple of days but in that time I manage to spot a koala in the wild with the kids whilst Karen is still shaking off the effects of her Mickey Finn. We try going back to the same spot to show Karen our wildlife discovery but the closest she gets to a hairy bum is at Samurai beach the next day. It’s clothing optional and as you might expect Karen gets her kit straight off whereas I’m a little cagier. Once concealed by a few rocks I feel a bit braver. Having checked no-one’s around, I pop into my birthday suit and then make a wild dash for the relative safety of the sea trying to look nonchalant at the same time as trying not to let my bits flap around too much in the breeze. Tricky but quite liberating…..OK too much information so moving swiftly on….

It turns out to be a rather dangerous walk around some rocks from Samurai to One Mile Beach as the tide is rising fast. At one particular point the sand dips dramatically. We are stranded waist deep in water. We desperately try to carry kids and bags past relentless crashing rollers. We make it with the kids unscathed although Karen has a cut foot and I’ve forgotten my shoes so have to do all again. As if to prove how dangerous it was I actually get knocked off my feet and rolled against the rocks by a particularly large wave and thankfully avoid major injury. Thank God the kids didn’t get hit by that one. After a bit of seagull chasing up the beach I leave the rest of the family and go for a little jog to fetch the car – Jesus I need a couple of games of squash and quick.

We decide to go on a 4WD tour of Stockton Bight. It’s quite a fun ride in our jeep up to the top of one of the steeper sand dunes. Out come the boards and it’s time for some sand surfing. Unfortunately the ride down is only 5 seconds but the climb back up is a couple of minutes of pure pain. Now I know what it felt like for Sean Connery’s character in ‘The Hill’. Having sledged down with the kids a couple of times I decide to have a go standing up ‘snowboard’ style which is bloody knackering even for 5 seconds. Karen and I are both puffing like Thomas by the time we get back up the top and we take a breather before the kids insist on another run. It’s Ok for them; they don’t have to lug 110 KG up the dune afterwards. At least our new pad has a lovely swimming pool + Jacuzzi to relax in afterwards and no fu**ing Rotorloo!!!!!

I decide on a bit more exercise but the girls aren’t biting so Harley and I go up Nelson’s Head on our own. We manage to scale the sizeable peak and enjoy the fantastic 360-degree bird’s eye views of Port Stephens from the summit. WOW – so good that I insist the others come up the next day. Harley completes the 2-hour trip both days without a single carry. Not bad for a three year old. We manage to squeeze in kookaburra feeding in the wild and a fish feast from the local co-op before heading off for some wine tasting in the Hunter Valley.

Port Macquarie

It’s only about 150kms drive but I decide to take the scenic route again with a detour to Southwest Rocks. The view from the lighthouse is known as Captain Cook lookout and it is spectacular both northwards all the way back towards Coffs Harbour and along the rugged coastline southwards too. We pop into the Trial Bay gaol from where convicts escaped in 1816 on a boat that, with cruel irony, promptly sank drowning all on board. Prisoners fared better here in WWI when the gaol was renowned for fair treatment and comparatively excellent food including fresh fish and vegetables caught/grown by the less troublesome inmates. We then meander our way down the Macleay river valley past houses on stilts to Kempsey. The town is famous for being the home of the Akubra hat but sadly not for its lunches….

By the time we reach Port Macquarie it’s raining heavily and we check in to our budget 1 room 3 star motel. You may think 3 star is not too bad but it’s the lowest rating there is hence the shoebox size and musty sheets. We brave the elements for an equally musty pizza and head back to our padded cell despondently – still what do you expect for 80$ including breakfast. Maybe it’s just the weather but there doesn’t seem to be a huge amount to do in this town. In desperation we check out the oldest seaworthy wooden-masted schooner the ‘Alma Doepel’ constructed in 1903. We also have a look at the breakwall where each rock is covered in graffiti from the last 20 years. Mostly pretty crap efforts but the overall effect is impressive. Suitably charged with a triple shot latte from the local Starbucks I decide to follow the 4WD’s down the gravel tracks of Diamond Head on an interesting ‘shortcut’. Although 30kms instead of 50kms the journey back to the main road is a full hour of pot-holed misery for the three passengers whilst I have great fun swerving from one side of the road to the other trying to avoid the worst of the chasms with dodgy brakes and an iffy suspension. We eventually make it to Newcastle battered and bruised - including my ego as we have been overtaken several times by nonchalant drivers cruising at 60 kms/hr whist I struggle to get past 30.

Coff's Harbour

It may not be the Utopia of Thomas More’s book but the restaurant of the same name provides the best breakfast of the trip in the charming little town of Bangalow. The fish ‘n chips for lunch are not so good in the Scottish-themed town of Maclean, but I do manage to find my own tartan even if only on a lamppost and spelled wrong. It’s Saturday lunchtime and all the shops are closed in this ‘tourist’ town that makes Radiator Springs seem like a thriving metropolis. Apparently the shops are open from 9 to 5 all week long when the place is like a ghost town and then as soon as the tourists arrive in their droves on Saturday everyone buggers off for the weekend.

We continue our long drive towards Coffs Harbour and make a short detour to the fascinating aboriginal settlement of Red Rock. Sadly the place didn’t get its name from the natural rock pigment but rather the blood stains during particularly frenetic tribal fighting. We decide to go on a little wetlands walk ‘en famille’. I then take the rather foolhardy decision to return via the river with Harley on my back, whilst Karen and Ruby return the way they came along the boardwalk. Despite being nipped on the toe by a mud crab it is a pleasant wallow followed by a fairly brisk float downstream. Harley has his first taste of dangerous adventure, clinging onto my shoulders as we speed past the girls and just manage to get to shore before the water gets too rocky and hurtles on towards the sea.

We’ve nothing booked at Coffs Harbour but end up in a very smart 4 ½ star 3-bed apartment. All well and good but we only have 1 night there before moving into our more affordable motel with Basil’s restaurant and Manuel’s conference centre. It would be amusing if we weren’t stuck there for 4 nights…
All’s well in the end as we’re not staying in the scabby rooms we first saw, but the much better 2-bed apartments round the back with tennis court and swimming pool. The huge TV encourages us to waste a couple of hours on the very watchable ‘Blood Diamond’ followed by the less watchable Carling Cup final defeat of the beloved Blues by the Spurs – the shame of it.

It’s Monday and what better way to start the new week than visit the premier attraction in town – THE BIG BANANA !! The banana itself is a bit of an anticlimax as although yellow and curved it’s not actually that big. Luckily there are real bananas here too and we get to walk up to the top of the plantation for a great view of the coastline. The kids enjoy an old 1960’s playground from the attraction’s inauguration that is still going strong along with its sharp metal edges only slightly blunted by time. We move swiftly on with the distraction of a distant toboggan as incentive. This turns out to be only slightly less scary as we ride with the kids down a twisting metal tray on a slightly smaller plastic tray. On the last run I let Ruby take control and have to grab it back at one stage, as she seems to have built up a bit too much courage. We pop in on a sweet factory on the way back where the candy making demonstration is fascinating, particularly the ‘pole dancing’ of the sugary ‘dough’ as it is stretched and the intricacy of the patterns on the tiny boiled sweets. Doesn’t stop them rotting your teeth though….

The next day we head to Pet Porpoise World that, despite the total lack of porpoises, is worthy of its award for best tourist attraction in New South Wales. After the enjoyable seal and dolphin shows we are all kissed by the cast - a first for everyone although the seal kiss did remind me of a rather hirsute ex girlfriend. The kids then feed the turtles and the cute little penguins. I hesitate over Ruby’s question of whether penguins are birds or fish proving that my brainpower is at an all time low due to lack of exercise.

Time for some exercise so, fuelled by some excellent fish ‘n chips at the local Fisherman’s co-op, I lead the troops up to the top of mutton bird island.12000 of these birds live here in little burrows on the cliffs but they’re all out fishing so we see 3. We do get very close to a hawk though as he is distracted by his rodent lunch and we also enjoy excellent views down the coast all the way to Southwest Rocks 50 kms away. Karen’s still not convinced….

For our final day in Coffs Harbour we take Ruby horse riding. Talk about the middle of nowhere. Even when we get to the signs we have to drive down a further half an hour of treacherous gravel tracks. The dense forest is periodically plunged into semi-darkness from the smoke of controlled forest fires that diffuse the midday sun in a beautiful but dangerous way as we narrowly avoid several massive logging trucks speeding to the mill with scant regard for smaller vehicles. On arrival we manage to score some free hotdogs left over from a school trip - lucky, as there seems to be no food for sale within a 20 km radius. Karen and Ruby go off for a 1hr trot and unexpectedly Harley gets offered a 30-minute ride too. I lead Harley’s horse Banjo whilst the teacher leads out her 4-year-old son. Harley says nothing at all for a full 20 minutes before deciding it’s actually great fun. We finish up doing mini jumps and ducking under trees. (Harley bends his neck rather than his waist at this point so I have to subtly push the branches away for him). Although Banjo seems to be leading me rather than vice versa we have fun and get back in time to see Karen and Ruby walk back in. They had a rather stubborn horse along with an abrupt German teacher and never even got to the trotting stage but it was still a good start.

New South Wales - Byron Bay

Food has replaced sex in my life – now I can’t even get into my own pants.

No not my new mantra having arrived in a new state and decided to turn over a new leaf (although it does contain a grain of truth as I slip into my first ever pair of size 38” shorts), but rather the slogan on the back of a Byron Bay campervan which sums up the fun, youthful atmosphere of the place.

On the very first I’m out on the razzle again (once the kids are in bed of course) checking out the excellent Beach Hotel that I vaguely remember from my previous trip. There’s no football but there’s a great blues band playing and the place is humming. The average age of the crowd must be about 22 and the fact that I’m there along with a couple of grannies and grandpas must make most of the rest of them around 18. I love the lack of ageism here and I feel quite comfortable. In fact a granny is dancing a cross between a jig and a rave and nobody gives two hoots. Eight beers and a kebab later (I always was a cheap date) I stagger back around 1am and Karen doesn’t give a monkey’s either bless her.

It’s Sunday and we drive to the beachfront where a car park has replaced the campsite of 18 years ago. Karen seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time checking the water temperature and why did she take the camera? I later wonder if it is mere coincidence that there are 63 pictures of buff young paddle boarders on the camera…

Byron Bay has a bad reputation for drugs but it’s lightweight compared to Nimbin. They allegedly used this town in the NSW hinterland as a secret dumping ground for drug addicts before the 2000 Sydney Olympics in an attempt to clean up the city centre before the eyes of the world fell upon it. They were provided with a one-way ticket, a small bungalow on arrival and a ‘stash’ large enough for them to forget where they came from. I thought this may have been a bit of a tall story, but the woman in the local café seemed to add weight to it. She took 45 minutes to grill us a couple of toasties and popped to the greengrocers for 4 oranges every single time someone ordered freshly squeezed juice. I reckon she must have been taking something pretty mind-bending for quite a few years. Not much else happened in Nimbin, apart from the car boot closing unexpectedly onto Karen’s head - ouch, but I suppose that’s Nimbin for you. To make the trip worthwhile we did stock up at an excellent butcher’s and a good fruiterer’s (although he was a little low on oranges).

We enjoyed a couple of quiet days at the beach where the kids played together really well allowing the parents time for some good reading and bodysurfing. As a treat we went to Rae’s restaurant on Watego beach that was recently rated as one of the top 10 in Australia. It didn’t disappoint with top-notch service (including entertaining the kids with the local fauna - the green tree frog) and excellent food. I chose a weird and wonderful scallop/pork belly combo, followed by a delicious whole snapper, with a beautifully crisp skin and plum sauce, all washed down with some decent bubbles. Despite the late hour the kids were still buzzing, so we took them down to the beach for some moonlit sand racing. Harley still had the energy to carve over 100 metres of ‘sand railway’ with his two index fingers.
The next day we visit the lighthouse from where it is a mere stone’s throw to the most easterly point on mainland Australia (exciting eh). Sadly Humpback whales are not migrating at this time of year and we are about to trudge disappointedly back to the car when Ruby has an unusual burst of enthusiasm for more walking. I point out that the cliff path in question is fairly vertiginous and that what goes down has to come back up but she is not to be deterred (maybe she just doubts my understanding of the laws of gravity). We leave a protesting Harley and impressed Karen to wait in the car and return knackered but strangely elated an hour and half a vertical kilometre later.

Having already sampled the delights of the railway tavern (monster steaks, a multi-tasking musician - guitar and didgeridoo simultaneously - and a 65 year old grandpa ‘trance jogging’), we get a babysitter and head for one last visit to the Beach Hotel. We’ve just time for rabbit pie/fish and chips before a sinister looking band come on for and endless warm-up/testing session. They look like a heavy metal band but actually take us on a ‘poptastic’ highlights tour of the last 40 year’s chart toppers. It turns out to be great fun and I even make a rare foray to the dance floor. All ‘good’ tings come to an end and several minutes later I’m pushing a slightly worse-for-wear Karen back home in a shopping trolley. (Just as well the chiropractor had fixed her back that morning). Slightly later that Saturday morning I’m hung over and watching Karen pack up by herself for about the sixtieth time so far this trip and counting – what a bloody star.

Surfer's Paradise

The surf’s up but it’s no paradise due to the windy, wet weather. Karen does sort out a good 7th floor apartment in Broadbeach though, with great views of Surfer’s impressively towering above the flat land around. There’s a swimming pool with Jacuzzi as well as a tennis court where Harley turns out to a bit of a natural. At the first attempt he knocks 50% of the balls back over the net with interest – not bad for aged 3 1/2.

It’s Monday and the weather’s still too cloudy for the beach so we head out to the hinterland for the day. The attractions seem to come in pairs in the tiny town of Cedar Creek. After visiting the local cheese/ice cream shop we head down to the more curiously partnered winery/glow-worm farm. Queensland is probably Australia’s second worst state for growing grapes (just ahead of the desolate Northern Territories) and has never been famed for it’s wine. This tasting did little to change that impression with the exception of a great late-harvest Semillon/Chardonnay/Verdelho.

The glow-worm cave was a huge man-made structure where hundreds of the little blighters are relocated from the wild and fed two thousand freshly caught insects per day (snared personally by our guide in large butterfly nets). The interesting part was the practical uses of the glow-worms bright green bottoms (otherwise known as bioluminescence) in relation to low energy lighting and potential cancer cures.

After a quick bite to eat we go on a long scenic drive through dense woodland, along winding mountain roads and past wallabies in the wild. Harley falls asleep and Karen kindly stays in the car with him while Ruby and I go on a treetop walk. We climb up to 30 metres above the forest floor at one point and pop our heads our above the canopy for a great view despite the somewhat unnerving wind and rain. It’s a long way back to Broadbeach but for once we find a decent radio station to make the driving easier.

Karen and I agree to stay in on Valentine’s Day to avoid the overcrowded restaurants. Instead we get a babysitter for the day before and the day after to sample a bit of the nightlife. We start off the first night at the Versace hotel for cocktails then hit a few bars in Surfers. God knows why this place is so popular, it seems rather tacky and sleezy at the same time – a naff version of Soho perhaps. I do like the hot ‘Meter Maids’ though who dress like college girls and top up any parking meters before a penalty becomes due. Did we forget to eat ? Sadly Broadbeach has shut down for the night by 11 pm so we get back to the babysitter early and find out that she has very sweetly serenaded Ruby and Harley to sleep with her dulcet tones and the guitar she brought along.

Sadly The same girl is not available for our second night out as she’s already booked in to look after 7 kids ! This time Karen has a good head start having met a friend at midday for drinks. The friend goes back home at about 6pm and Karen and I head off to the casino for a bit of a flutter. We play blackjack for about an hour and are both about even and heading for the exit when I nip to the loo and come back to find Karen starting to win by playing ‘behind’ some guy who’s doing well (basically he plays the hand and she wins if he wins). I foolishly decide to play some more and recklessly lose $50 in 10 minutes (all the Cambodia winnings and more that took two nights to accumulate !) - still it’s only about £20. Again we fail to find any food after 11pm – we must be losing some weight by now surely ?!

Still the weather stays sh*tty so we head to the massive local shopping centre to stock up on food as well as toys for the kids. Sadly the giant cuddly bears that Harley takes a shine to have to stay in the shop, but compensation is swift in the form of an electric car grand prix with Ruby and a few other kids. In the evening we take the kids to the Icebar where we get kitted out in Antarctic gear for drinks at 11 degrees below zero. The whole place is made of ice including the furniture and glasses and we shiver our way through a couple of cocktails/cranberry juices before our maximum permitted 30 minutes is up. Certainly a novel experience we all agree as we emerge into the 40 degree warmer evening.

It’s time to leave Surfer’s and indeed Queensland. As we enjoy the fantastic views back from Coolangatta across the water to a mirage of skyscrapers I reflect on a myriad of different landscapes, climates and people we’ve experienced over the last 2 months in just one state. Suddenly the scenery changes again to rolling verdant hills as we enter New South Wales and at the same time as realising how the state got its name I hope life will be just as fun and varied for the next 60 days.